Despite the fact that every strong, independent woman can find happiness on her own and repeatedly states this to every next man on the “X-th” date, still, to many of us being strong and independent… sucks. I am writing these words because I have been – more than once – that friendly supportive shoulder, on which my strong independent female friends cried their eyes out in the moments of weakness. Every time this happened I could not help thinking that too much of independence does not suit the woman, while living all by herself for too long makes her feel insecure, and being strong at all times eventually makes her lose the most unique and precious thing a woman can have: her femininity. So, where is the limit? How far can a woman go in her desire to be independent and strong? Here are a few thoughts.

The “WE CAN DO IT!” approach is not always good. Moreover, it is unnecessary.  It is the surest way to lose your femininity and to scare away even those who recently seemed to support your independent spirit. Besides, a woman who cares too much about doing things all by herself, sooner or later becomes aggressive – the quality welcomed by some employers, but not too popular in many other sides of life.

A strong independent woman and an angry lonely bitch are two VERY different women!

There are three ways to remain unhappy: do not get into that trap! The three ways look quite innocent at the first sight, they are-

• living for the others (putting other people’s interests higher than your own);
• living in your memories, as well as living with hopes and dreams about the better future;
• looking for someone to blame in your mishaps.

Once you start doing this, you are certainly in trouble, because then your “independence” will turn into slavery and end in depression, at best.

To be strong, independent and happy, the woman needs to stop buiding obstacles for herself. Yes. It is that simple. Quite often, the craving for being strong and independent is just a result of fear: the fear of being unable to cope with complexities of life. So, I would put it this way: she should be strong, but not too strong; she can be independent, but her independence should not make her feel lonely.

It is okay to be a strong independent woman… until something heavy needs to be lifted.

The best solution is to be strong, independent… and in a healthy relationship.

There is a happy medium in everything: be strong, but don’t lose what was given to you by Mother Nature – femininity, grace, tenderness and sensitivity; be independent, but don’t push away others and don’t let yourself grow angry, arrogant, or mean. And- here are a few more, the ideas I picked up from the women who manage to be independent and strong, yet happy and never lonely:

• always remain unique, do not compare yourself to other women;
• stand up for yourself, but do it in a wise way (you don’t always need to get aggressive);
• truly believe in yourself;
• learn to submit (without it, you will never become really independent);
• be comfortable with your body and looks (no need to say that for this purpose you need to take care of your body and looks);
• understand and respect your powers;
• be independent financially, but do not brag too much about it;
• stand for what you believe in;
• know what you want, and
• be proud of yourself.

I just ran across a poll with this question on one of the Russian media portals, and of course I could not help looking at the answers. The poll looked like this:

Question: Should a man escort the woman to her door (and / or pay for her taxi) after a date? (Опрос: Должен ли мужчина провожать женщину и/или оплачивать такси после свидания?)

Answers:  Yes (Да) – 591(67.2%) ; No (Нет) – 207(23.5%);  I don’t know (Не знаю) – 81(9.2%)

Total participants (Участников): 879

To be honest, my first reaction was a surprise. To me, a woman, the only correct answer to this question was obvious, it seemed funny that such a question could be raised in a poll at all. Then I glanced at the figures and found that the participants’ opinions divided to statistically significant values of 67% against 23.5%. More than two hundred people in a bit less than a thousand had an opinion different than mine! I realized that the question was probably worth thinking over.

So, this is my – female – look at the problem:

Every woman (at least, in my culture) expects her man to finish the business he started and deliver her home at the end of the date, no matter whether the date was a success or not.

The “No”-answer responders in this poll must be men, and I understand why. After the first date, the man is not sure whether he is ready to spend all his life with this girl. He may like her a lot and enjoy spending time with her, and he would certainly do it with her.., but that would be all. So, the male logic is: what’s the sense in escorting her to her door if the future relationship her is so unclear?

Well, I still feel that the “Yes” respondents were right: the benefits are quite evident. First, it is the matter of etiquette. The date is not over until he makes sure that she is at home, happy and safe. If he does, he feels good like a gentleman who has accomplished his duty.

Secondly, hmm- what if she suddenly dashes to him at her door and lets the evening develop in its best possible way?

Thirdly, just showing her that he cares would certainly mean that this man will be welcome to call her again any time and – who knows – maybe that next date will really be a success! 

Like every other occupation, communicating with women has two sides: it may be most exciting and pleasant with some women, but with others it may turn out to be quite an opposite experience. Girls are beautiful, intelligent, funny… but still there are women you should avoid dating if you want to stay safe emotionally, physically, and even financially. Let us look at the most common traits of such women, which can (and should) be regarded as red flags at the very first stage of a new relationship.

1. Some women – probably the most popular type among men – can be called “gamers”, and gamers they are. Such woman will charm, seduce, and eagerly date the man, but she will never give him her heart. She is simply not a good material for a relationship, she prefers to move on from one guy to another and avoid long term affairs. A woman-gamer doesn’t care about the man’s emotions, she will turn him into her toy without doubt. Quite often, she is smart, educated, and knows very well what she is doing. The tricky part is the difficulty to identify a gamer, because she is quite experienced at fooling guys. The other thing is: she never opens up to anyone, so she won’t tell the man what kind of plans she has for him. A gamer plays her game as long as she is in the mood for playing, then she turns her back to the man and leaves. These qualities are quite common for this type of women:

• She flirts with every guy she meets

• She doesn’t give straight answers when asked about her dating history

• She sends you mixed messages

• She is charismatic, smart, and very good looking

• She doesn’t always respond to calls/texts and often looks quite preoccupied with some of her chores, about which she speaks very little

If she flirts with a man, she is really charming, so it takes lots of effort and character not to be fooled.

2. Another quite distinct type are women who love partying. They are perfect for short time flirting or having fun in a company of friends, but every talk about taking the relationship seriously scares the party girl away.
These women are simply not ready to take any serious responsibility, besides… they love partying too much! If you aren’t much of a party guy yourself, this can cause some problems down the road. It is not difficult to identify a party girl, because

• She goes out practically every night and she always parties on weekends

• She loves drinking, so her stories usually start with: “Oh, I got so drunk last Saturday that I…”

• Logically, she’s frequently hung over

• She knows every bartender in town and knows all liquor stores in quite a large radius from her home

With such a girl, the man should be prepared to deal with the side effects of her lifestyle. While intoxicated, a party girl can make decisions which could devastate even the strongest relationship. She may be very beautiful, funny, humorous, communicative; very probably, she is always provocatively dressed and flirts quite skillfully, but all of her positive traits will inevitable be negated by her love for alcohol and general levity.

3. A very well-known type of Russian women, who frequently take a fancy of dealing with dating/marriage agencies, is a so-called gold-digger. Women gold diggers will go to great lengths to find and date men with money, because their idea is to live a life of luxury without having to work for it. Gold diggers are usually very shallow and value money more than anything else. If the girl who you just met seems to be only concerned about the money you make, the relationship will go the wrong way from the very beginning. Such women are never satisfied with your gifts, attention and efforts to please them. A typical gold digger can be identified by the following behavior:

• She expects you to pay for everything

• She’s very disappointed when you don’t spend money on her

• She pursues you more aggressively than you pursue her

• She is obsessed with living a lavish lifestyle but can’t afford it

• She is shallow and materialistic

4. Another quite “dangerous” type of women is a so-called psycho girl. Dating them inevitably brings men to very serious challenges. Psycho girls are quite insecure, and at the same time, controlling, manipulative, and needy. Quite often, they are very selfishly motivated. If that isn’t bad enough, they’re the most difficult type of girl to break up with. If you try a serious relationship with a psycho woman and she becomes dependent on you, breaking up with her may turn into a real nightmare. She’ll kick and scream to the very end and might even make threats against you or herself. This is where things can get really dangerous for your emotional and physical well being. To identify a psycho at an early stage of acquaintance, pay attention to these little signals:

• She calls or texts you constantly to see what you’re doing

• She discourages you to hang out with your friends, especially other girls

• She never seems to trust you

• She cries or throws tantrums to get her way

• She is emotionally unstable

Dating a psycho is a surefire way to make your life a living hell. Even if the sex is awesome, it comes at a very high price. You’ll feel like you’re on a leash and won’t have enough freedom in your life. If a girl you’re dating starts exhibiting behaviors of a psycho, consider carefully wrapping up the relationship before things get really troublesome.

This question often comes up when I talk to foreign men about Russian/Ukrainian traditions and family life. Interestingly, the westerners and the Slavic people’s traditional approaches to dating are strikingly different, especially if we look at relationships between the western men and Slavic women.

To majority of Slavic women, love (or deep affection) comes first. It is the first necessary condition for a serious relationship with a man. If a woman does not feel that discomforting, burning excitement deep inside her chest, she will never open up to the man, and very soon he will find himself in her “friend zone”. Forever.

Trust is another condition, which usually precedes a woman’s decisions about moving on toward a more physical stage in the relationship. To a Slavic woman, even in the 21-st century, a sexual relationship is the highest stage of intimacy, which is only possible when her love and trust to a man is complete and unconditional. This is why it often takes months before a man and a woman move on to a “physical” relationship.

Well, the answer to this one seems simple: comfort her, physically and emotionally.

If you want her to remember you again and again during the day, it makes sense to impress her with something in the morning, so she can carry her good memory of the morning with her, wherever she goes during the day. It would be a good idea to let her have something that she can keep with her to remind about you during the day.

Here are a few ideas:

– Set her favorite melody on her phone so she can hear it when she receives calls or messages (I hope it goes without saying that in some cases this would not be a good idea, if, for example, she dislikes speaking on the phone at all).

– if she usually takes lunches to work, make it for her, put in a short note for her, pack it nicely, and let her take it to her office (again, if you have been in a relationship for a while, you know her particular do’s and don’ts, so you won’t make a mistake with that lunch!).

– make her a little gift – a trinket, a small figurine to put on her working table, a pen holder – whatever you can think of, and give it to her at a very nice, tender moment, so she can associate it with your intimate relationship. Then, every time her eye falls on this little gift, she will remember you.

– buy her a pass for a beauty salon (a gym, a master class which she’d mentioned – think of anything that had been discussing or mentioned) or just get her a gift card to her favorite store and put it into her bag in an envelope which would also have a short love note from you). It will be especially pleasant to her if you do this in the morning after a great night together, or simply if you do it without a special reason, when she absolutely does not expect any gifts. She will be thrilled, I promise.

– another good idea of a present is a shawl or a kerchief – some item which she can take to her office and keep it there in case she needs to cover her shoulders.

– You can, of course, make her a bigger present – a good phone, a tablet, a laptop, or any other gadget which she will need to use every day, so it will always be with her. Remember, though, that if you want this item to associate with you in her mind, you need to build that mind connection for her. Think over the moment of giving her this gift and make sure this moment is romantic, tender, and causes her only pleasant emotions.

All these ideas go down to thinking over and preparing a nice surprise for her. If you know your woman well enough, you will come up with the right idea, no doubt. Surprise her with your tenderness, attention, and care, not the money. Women adore this. She will appreciate this, I am sure.